Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Ok. There is one species of woman that many men, including yours truly will hope to miraculously find in his lifetime. Yes I am referring to the SQUIRTER. And for those who don’t know what it means, a squirter is someone who releases so much water during sex/orgasm that a fountain of water will shoot out from her pussy. I am sure many men must have watched such a scenario in porn movies. But how many of us have really found one – the elusive and legendary squirter.

squirting fountain

Despite the many woman that I have come into close proximity with throughout the years, I have not met one. Sure I have been with many women that are very wet and screamed very loudly during sex, but an actual woman who squirts? Never!

I had almost given up the search for one when one day, completely out of the blue, I happened to bump into one. Quite literally. See, I was with a couple of friends knocking back a few jugs of beer in a relatively sleazy hang flower joint which consists of thai, vietnamese and korean dancers.

vietnamese dancers singapore

I was getting pretty high at my table when I spun around and literally bumped into this gorgeous tall woman who flashed the most beautiful and angelic smile. I am a sucker for long legs and a beautiful smile, and this woman captured my attention instantly. So when it was her turn to go on stage to ‘parade’ herself in hope of getting ‘flowers’, I bought a 50 dollar flower garland which was hung on her. She smiled and did a little bow in my direction.

By the way I later found out that these girls in fact don’t get a fixed salary. They come here on a social visit pass of one month and they already owe their agent or the night club bosses $1,000. This is for food, lodging and the air ticket. So basically, they will have to sell a thousand dollars worth of flowers or drinks before they even start making any money. After they have earned their first one thousand dollars, they then split profits with the establishment on a 60-40 basis. Some women who looks average or don’t know how to make men feel good, might not even make a thousand dollars in a month. So next time you hang flower on one of these girls, consider yourself doing a good deed. I digress.

So after the ‘modeling’ segment, the girl with long legs came over to my table. Let’s just called her Ling. I found out that she came from vietnam and she it was her first week in Singapore. She wasn’t the prettiest girl in the club but she had a classy demeanor and a very fun personality that I found extremely attractive.

vietnamese girl

To cut the long story short, we exchanged numbers and I saw her again several times both in the club and outside the club before she had to go back to Vietnam after one month.

In the next month, I flew to Vietnam to visit her. It had been several years since I last visited Vietnam. It always reminded me of Singapore in the 1980s, very vibrant, very energetic with a special old school kind of charm. I love this country.

Meeting the Vietnamese girl was like meeting a long lost lover. We kissed and embraced. And I was really looking forward to spending time alone with her. We went to eat some famous Pho, drank some coffee at a Vietnamese Cafe. She brought me to many places on her motorbike and I must say riding on a motorbike behind a beautiful woman, through the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh, is one of the most amazing feeling in the world.

vietnamese girl on motorbike

At night, she stayed over at my hotel and I was already hard with anticipation. We made love for the first time. I fingered her and I could feel she was really wet. Her vagina was already contracting in spasms. then she mounted me. The way she moved her body was sensuous and slow, rocking back and forth but in a very slow and rhythmic fashion. Then I felt it. A gush liquid bursting out from her pussy and wetting my thighs and then soaking through the bed.

I was taken aback but it was a big turn on for me. We continued in several positions and I had to see it for myself. I stuck my fingers into her pussy while my other hand stimulated her nipples. Very shortly, her body was going into spasms and she was screaming. Then it happened, a burst of clear liquid erupting from her moist volcano. It soaked the bedsheets.

volcano eruption

The squirt was too powerful

I couldn’t help but smile. I kissed her gently on the lips and we hugged each other to sleep.

This was to be the start of a truly memorable find. The elusive squirter from Vietnam.

For those of you who don’t know what a ‘hang flower joint’ is, it’s a basically a pub/club/bar that dancers and singers sing or perform on stage. In exchange the customers will buy flowers to hang on the girls. And in exchange for these flowers, the girls will accompany you at your table after their performance. And the amount of time they accompany you will be directly proportionate to the amount of flowers you hang on them. The amount for the flowers start from ten dollars and goes all the way into the thousands.

hang flower joint

hang flower joint

One of my friends Andy is a big fan of these ‘hang flower joints’. So I have been accompanying him to several recently. I am absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of money that people spend in hanging flowers. I literally saw an old man purchase a thousand dollar banner to hang on the girl. A thousand??? Seriously? I wonder if he gets to fuck her after that. According to my friend Andy, it’s a no. It still depends on the girl.
What really puzzles me is why are men spending so much money on these women? I mean if it’s for sex I guess I can understand. But for false affection from these women, it really is pretty amazing. In these joints, there are very few physical contact other than the occassional holding of hands or the occassional peck on the lips or cheeks.

hang flower joint

hang flower joint

Watching my friend Andy desperately hanging 50 dollars worth of flowers on a few girls last night made me realize that these men are just pursuing the feeling of love. More specifically, First Love. I know it sounds kinda cliche but I think that’s the thing. It’s definitely not a physical thing. If not, they would have gone to a whore house or a massage parlour.

Or maybe it’s the thrill of the hunt. Pay money. Buy affection. Create a sense of ‘false dating’.

Or maybe these guys just have a lack of balls to approach women in clubs instead? Or maybe these older men with more financial power, they prefer to just pay and not have to deal with the fear of rejection. It’s a crazy world.

Happy New Year

Posted: January 2, 2011 in Life
Tags: , , ,

Happy new year to one and all. Hope you had a great year. And that an even better one awaits.

Have you made your new year resolutions? Have you ever wondered why New Year Resolutions don’t work? Are you determined to make sure this year’s resolutions will all come true?

Check out this interesting article – Top 5 Reasons Why New Year Resolutions don’t work.

I used to party regularly with this guy who was a splitting image of Taiwanese Rocker Wu Bai. In fact, whenever we went out to party, everyone would actually call him Wu Bai. I don’t even know his real name but I’m pretty sure it won’t sound as cool as Wu Bai though. I can’t imagine someone calling him “LIM AH FOOK!” or some other shitty Beng name like that.

Wu Bai, Taiwanese Rocker


Anyway, the main point of my story is not about him. We used to hang out at this club called Baby Face. This club was frequented by many karaoke hostess and mamasans because it was opened till 6 am. So these ladies would actually go to the club to party after work. And Wu Bai being the rock star that he is, knows a lot of these hostesses and mamasans.

There was once he introduced me to this mamasan with humongous breasts. She is a little on the fleshy side but her boobs are pretty legendary. I have to say they are the biggest that I have ever seen on a woman. And I have seen quite a few pairs in my time.

Not the real person. But size is just about right.

Anyway this mamasan was working at Boss KTV. You can read about the funny KTV incident which took place @ Boss KTV. After many glasses of Martell on rocks. she was dancing seductively in front of me. I could tell she was quite into me or maybe she just wanted to have some fun with a guy outside her sleazy working environment.  We drank a lot. I think between the two of us, we finished a bottle of Martell.

We left the club when it was almost close to 5am. She didn’t want to go back and suggested we head to my place to drink some more. How could I possibly reject such an invitation?

After we reached my place, I brought out another bottle of Vodka and we started to drink. Very soon, we were kissing and groping. She took off her clothes and I was pretty shocked to see her ample bosoms. I can safely say this is the first time I literally stared at a woman’s boobs. It probably sounds pretty pervertish but I was simply appreciating the beauty of a legend.

She pretended to be shy when she noticed that I was staring at her breasts. She poured herself another drink and we played five ten. And yes, she was basically half naked and I as trying my best not to stare anymore. After a few more shots of Vodka, I could tell she was slurring and getting really drunk. I told her to stop drinking and she promptly fell asleep on my sofa. No action, I thought to myself. I covered her with a blanket and went to check my email.

After about ten minutes, I suddenly heard her waking up. I turned around and guess what I saw!

She actually walked over to my main door, pulled down her skirt and panties and pee right there in my living room. I stood there absolutely flabbergasted and horrified. Her eyes were still half close so I assumed she was in some kind of semi-drunken stupor. I think I shouted “OOI” or something to that extend but she wasn’t listening. I could see the yellow liquid slowly flooding my living room floor and moving towards my shoes.

Funny peeing woman

What's wrong with these women???

I darted quickly to retrieve my shoes before her yellow pee stained them. After she was done, she pulled up her panties and went back to sleep on my sofa! I stared at the pool of pee on the floor in utter disbelief. A freaking big boob mamasan just peed on my floor!

I had little choice but to wipe up the pee from the floor. And I can’t remember how come I didn’t use the mop. I think the mop was broken and I literally had to use some cloth to wipe up the urine. Freaking disgusting! That was the one and only time I actually mopped someone’s pee.

The next day she woke, I told her about the incident and she insisted I was lying! I should have bloody took a video of it but I was in too much shock to have such quick thinking. We kind of lost contact after that peeing incident but I saw her recently at the airport. She was pushing a stroller with her baby inside. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I saw her.

Thanks for the memories Miss Big Boobs Mamasan.

1. Appreciating Simple Things in Life. I took a lot of things for granted. The basic concept of freedom for example. Just being able to have a walk in the park with my dog, sitting down at a cafe with some good friends, travel, taking a taxi. Even taking a dump in a nice, clean toilet. All these seemingly unimportant things suddenly became such a big deal when I was in jail.

2. Art of Negotiation. Being inside a Jakarta prison is a masterclass in negotiation. In the beginning, I was ruled by fear and was so desperate to find a way out. Everyone around me seemed to have a plan to get me out of jail at the soonest possible time. And of course I believed them. I paid a large sum of money to entertain high ranking police officers, lawyers, even the mafia. I soon realize that most of them are just big talkers. And everyone just wants to get a piece of the action (money). It soon came down to identifying who are the real movers and shakers and dealing with them directly instead of going through a host of middlemen. Engaging a lawyer is meaningless in Indonesia. The money to engage a lawyer is better spent paying off the prosecutors as well as the judges. And to negotiate well with them, one cannot exhibit any fear. I managed to strike a good deal because I was prepared at that point to just accept whatever punishment they wanted to give to me.

3. Making Real Friends. In prison, especially in Indonesia, everyone will want to be your friend if you have money. They will beg, cheat, lie, even steal from you when you are not careful. Some will pretend to be your friend but very soon, their motives and objectives become quite clear. It’s not easy to make real friends inside prison. I was thankful to be able to make a few good ones who till this day, has still remained close. These are people who will help even when they can gain nothing from it. They will protect you even when their own lives are at stake. These are people who will stop you from slipping down the slope of sin when everyone else is encouraging you. These are the people who will speak the truth to you. And I thank God for them.

4. Appreciating relationships. The hardest part to endure in a prison is really the loneliness. I learn to appreciate my girlfriend so much more during this time. The trips she made to the prison. The food she cooked for me. The fact that she had to keep being positive and smiling whenever she visited. I truly appreciated her strength and her love. I think it’s something I would never have seen had I not gone through prison.

5. Appreciating Sex. Not having sex for a whole eight months is almost unbearable for me. Even though with money, one can actually ‘order’ a prostitute from outside the prison walls to have a quickie inside the prison compound, I chose not to do it. I think prison makes me appreciate relationships and intimacy even more.

6. Understanding the world of injustice and corruption. It is very sad to see Indonesians being sent to jail because of the corrupt system. I consider myself lucky that I have some money to pay off the corrupt officials but most of the Indonesians are poor and they will never have such a chance. Do they deserve to go to prison? Some perhaps. But the majority of them are really thrown inside as mere numbers. In Indonesia, the police have a target to hit every month for drug offenders especially. The police bonus depends largely on whether they have met the target per month. I have a cellmate who was working as a waiter in a Karaoke Lounge in Jakarta. One night, a group of men booked one of the rooms and asked if he could bring them some ecstacy pills. He then went to ask his manager who then got him some to be delivered to the room. When the waiter delivered the pills, the group of men announced that they were actually policemen and arrested him on the spot. Not only that, they ‘confiscated the pills’ for their own consumption and they also took all the money on him (money collected from the customers that night). Such a story is commonplace inside the prison. And that guy would be spending at least 4-5 years in jail if he is not able to pay off the police, prosecutors or the judges.

7. Appreciating hygiene. A lot of these Indonesians have very little concept of proper hygiene. They spit all over the floors and most of them are coughing continuously throughout the day and night. Diseases spread quickly in the cells.

8. Money is King. You can do almost anything if you have the money in jail. You can add air-conditioning to your cell. You can arrange for a prostitute to visit. You can repaint the cell walls. You can even renovate and make the cell bigger. Hell you can even buy a day of freedom to go outside the prison (watched closely by prison officers of course). the system is so corrupt that most drug dealers continue to deal drugs behind the prison walls and it is in fact regarded as safer since the dealers are already in jail and they can easily pay off the prison officers to continue their business. A lot of people actually visit the dealers in prison to buy drugs from them. Laptops, TVs, DVD Players, Play stations are all allowed as long as you pay money for those items.

9. Big Powerful Druglords are Human too. I shared a cell with a guy called Tong who committed the biggest case of ecstacy smuggling in Asia. They were caught with almost 200,000 ecstacy pills. But he is truly one of the nicest guys around. He had a childlike wonder to learn about computers and would bug me every day to teach him. He would bring me around the different cells to introduce me to his friends. When I told him the cell was a bit too small for four people, he engaged a contractor to renovate and extend our cell. On numerous occasions, he helped me without asking for anything in return. He told me he wanted to start life afresh if he had a chance to leave prison. I really wish for him to have a chance to turn his life around. Thank you Tong for always having a ready smile and a helping hand.

10. Being more determined about Life. Before I was sent to prison, I was deliberating what I truly wanted to do with my life. I was earning pretty decent money but I guess I wasn’t truly satisfied. I spent a lot of time doing self-destructive things like drinking, drugs, parties, etc. Being in prison made me realize the importance of our lives. We only live once and we should not waste it. Live the best way we can every single day. Many people will not even have such a chance.

Back in my schooldays, Internet was not so prevalent and pornography was a treasured and rare commodity. I still remember the first time I was introduced to porno. It was at a friend’s house after school. We were playing Super Mario on Nintendo when all of a sudden my friend Nick blurted out,” Eh you guys want to watch porn or not?”

Being young, curious and full of horny hormones, my friends and I instinctively nodded with wide eye anticipation. Nick told us he found many tapes hidden in one of his father’s drawers (Yes, this was the age of VHS. No DVDs. No You Tube). He proudly pulled out one of them with some weird title like “Debbie Does the Football Team.”

Funny porn incident

While we were watching the porno, I was of course intrigued by the naked bouncing boobs staring at me. But I was even more puzzled that Nick’s father actually watched such kinds of videos. You see, Nick’s father was a high ranking military officer and we were all terribly afraid of him. He was tall, very serious looking and had a deep voice that reminded me of Darth Vader. He also had a thick moustache that seemed to twitch whenever he was angry or unhappy. There was one time when one of my classmates broke a glass in front of him and he shouted so loud my ears rang non stop for five minutes. That was when I noticed his moustache twitching in a strange way.

From that day onwards, we were always on our best behavior whenever he was around. After watching Debbie ‘do’ half the soccer team, I suddenly heard the sound of gate closing. I was so engrossed that I didn’t hear Nick’s father’s car coming into the driveway. I looked out of the window and he was already walking towards the front door. I quickly turned around and all my friends have disappeared! They had all rushed upstairs to Nick’s room without telling me! Or maybe they did and I was too engrossed in the porn!

Instinctively, I reached over for the TV remote and hit the off button. The TV screen went off just as Nick’s father stepped into the house. I greeted him and he nodded and grunted in acknowledgment. I started heading to the stairs to walk up to Nick’s room. I noticed Nick’s father reaching for the TV remote. I let off a gasp and froze. Oh my God …. It was too late. Nick’s father switched on the TV and saw Debbie’s look of ecstacy as the football captain bonked her from behind.

I bulleted up the flight of stairs and into Nick’s room. They were all huddled together on the floor. Nick’s face was especially pale. I told them what happened and Nick almost cried. We were half expecting Nick’s father to storm into the room and whipped us all with his leather belt. We waited anxiously. One hour. Two hours. Time flew by and there was no sign of him. Finally, we left and went home.

Apparently, Nick’s father didn’t even mention about the porno incident. Perhaps he felt guilty about it? Embarrassed perhaps? Nick told me that after that day, he couldn’t find any of those tapes in the drawer anymore.

Is watching pornography really such a shameful thing? If you ask me, I would rather a man satisfy himself in front of a computer than to go out and satisfy his needs with a prostitute or risk getting infectious diseases with a one night stand. Speaking of porno, do you know that Sylvestor Stallone actually made a porno in the 70s according to this report. Am I the only one feeling disgusted?

Relationship cheating is a very common occurrence. If you haven’t experienced it yet, there’s a good chance you eventually will. In this article we’ll explore how often cheating occurs, how to define cheating, signs of cheating, and how to deal with it.

Although I personally prefer non-monogamy, I opted to write this article using a monogamous perspective since that seems to be the more popular relationship paradigm. Given the frequency of cheating in monogamous relationships, it would appear that true monogamy isn’t as common as people would have each other believe.

Frequency of Cheating

I found it difficult to track down good cheating statistics. This seems to be partly because people have a hard time being completely honest, even when surveyed in ways that safeguard their anonymity. There’s still some shame and guilt associated with admitting the truth, even in private. So instead of sharing a bunch of detailed stats that might be wrong, I’ll simply share the big picture elements.

Slightly more than half of all married people will cheat on their spouses at some point in their lives. Men apparently cheat more often than women, but the gap isn’t huge.

Most of the time cheating does occur, the other spouse doesn’t know about it, with women being in the dark slightly more often than men.

That’s if you’re married. If you’re in a committed relationship but aren’t married, then I’d imagine that the odds of cheating are even higher. Partly I say that because cheating is more common when you’re younger and becomes less likely as you age.

The big game-changer here is the Internet, which makes even 10-year old stats seem very dated now. Recents surveys suggest that most people have flirted online at one point or another, that when people spend time in chat rooms they’re usually motivated by romantic or sexual interest, and that about a third of adults have had real sex as a result of a connection that began online.

In the USA alone, tens of millions of people cheat on their primary relationship partners. Cheating is very, very common. Most of the time when people cheat, they hide it from their partners, and they usually succeed in doing so, not because they’re so great at keeping secrets but mainly because their partners fail to recognize and acknowledge the telltale signs.

Suffice it to say that cheating is rampant.

Statistically speaking, if you get involved in committed relationships or marriage, the odds are better than 50-50 that you’re eventually going to cheat at some point in your life. And you’ll probably hide it from your primary partner, and you’ll probably get away with it.

Of course you can decline to join this group if you so desire. However, there’s still a good chance you’ll end up in a relationship with someone else who’s a member, and you probably won’t know. Or you’ll know, but you’ll retreat into denial about it.

Defining Cheating

What exactly constitutes cheating? Not everyone defines cheating the same way. Society may condition us to think of cheating a certain way, but deep down we may not feel the same.

Have a heart to heart talk with your partner, and define what you would consider cheating. Your answers don’t have to be the same.

Here are some items to think about.

Would you or your partner find it problematic if you…

  • Have sexual thoughts about someone else
  • Stare at someone attractive walking by when you’re with your partner
  • Look at porn
  • Masturbate to porn
  • Masturbate while imagining having sex with someone else
  • Have sex with your partner while visualizing sex with someone else
  • Go to a strip club
  • Get a lap dance
  • Go dancing with someone you find attractive
  • Have coffee and a long chat with someone you find attractive
  • Go out to dinner and a show with someone you find attractive
  • Hug someone
  • Cuddle someone
  • Cuddle someone naked
  • Go on a vacation with someone
  • Sleep in the same bed with someone
  • Give or receive a foot massage
  • Give or receive a full body massage
  • Kiss someone lightly
  • Kiss someone passionately
  • French kiss someone
  • Hot chat with someone
  • Have phone sex with someone
  • Buy an expensive gift for someone you’re attracted to
  • Give or receive a hickey
  • Suck someone’s breasts
  • Engage in light petting with someone
  • Engage in heavy petting with someone
  • Give someone oral sex
  • Receive oral sex from someone
  • Have an orgasm with someone
  • Give someone an orgasm
  • Have intercourse without having an orgasm
  • Have intercourse with an orgasm
  • Have unprotected intercourse
  • Have a threesome with your partner
  • Have a threesome without your partner
  • Say to someone else “I love you” and mean it
  • Doing any of the above more than once
  • Doing any of the above more than once with the same person
  • Do any of the above with a member of the same sex
  • Do any of the above without telling your primary partner about it beforehand
  • Do any of the above without telling your primary partner at all

There are many possibilities for your boundaries. And your partner’s boundaries may be different than yours.

Think about:

  1. Your boundaries for yourself
  2. Your boundaries for your partner
  3. Your partner’s boundaries for his/herself
  4. Your partner’s boundaries for you

Each of these items may be quite different.

A problem that occurs often in relationships is that people don’t clearly define their boundaries. They just assume they know what their boundaries are and that their partner’s boundaries are similar. This makes it easy for either you or your partner to gradually slide across the border into the realm of “cheating” without ever really deciding to do so.

It would be very rare for someone to say, “I’m going to cheat on my partner.” What happens instead is that at some point, you discover you’ve already slipped across the border without trying to do so, and once you realize you’re already on the other side, then you figure you might as well make the best of it.

You don’t have to get this explicit if you don’t want to, but if you’ve had problems with cheating in the past, perhaps it would be wise to start by clarifying your boundaries with your partner.

You can’t force a boundary on your partner. Either they’ll willingly agree to it, or they won’t. If your boundaries are miles apart, and you or your partner resist closing the gap, then you’re probably better off looking for more compatible matches.

When you agree to certain boundaries and feel good about it, you have a good shot of avoiding cheating, regardless of where your boundaries actually are. If you don’t define your boundaries or if you and your partner only agree verbally but not in your hearts, then you’ve created the space to invite cheating into your relationship.

This article is specifically about cheating, but you can define boundaries in other ways too. For example, if you’re in an open relationship, then you may have very liberal boundaries sexually, so you may be hard-pressed to define anything there as cheating. However, you may still have important boundaries that involve safety, honesty, and kindness that may not fall within the realm of cheating. It’s a good idea to define those too if you and your partner can come to an agreement.

For example, if a friend tells you something in confidence, will you automatically share that with your partner? And will you let your friend know in advance that anything she tells you will be shared with your partner? Or do you slide into the gray area of assuming you’ll share everything with your partner and imagining that your friend expects this, even as you fear that if you told her this up front, she might decide to share less with you?

Signs of Cheating

Despite your best efforts, cheating can still occur. You may have control over your part of the commitment, but you don’t control your partner. Your partner remains free to make his/her own choices, including choices that may violate your mutually agreed upon commitment. It happens.

If you suspect your partner of cheating, you’re probably right, even if you don’t have much objective proof. It’s certainly not uncommon, and when you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while, you may intuitively or logically notice that something has shifted.

Quite often, however, even when clear signs of cheating are present, people go into denial. They don’t want to believe it’s happening. So in order to preserve the illusion of their monogamous relationship, they pretend everything is okay and try to avoid confrontation.

There are many telltale signs of cheating, some subtle and some not so subtle. No single sign may be a smoking gun, but what do you see when you look at the big picture?

These signs of cheating include:

  • lipstick smudges or perfume odors that didn’t come from you
  • your partner becomes unusually private about protecting his/her email
  • higher than usual phone bills
  • your partner is vague when telling you about travel, nights out, etc.
  • you catch your partner lying to you
  • your mutual friends start distancing themselves from you or acting strange around you
  • people suddenly get quiet when you enter the room
  • if your partner is on the computer, s/he quickly switches apps or hides windows when you walk in
  • your partner shows sudden changes in sex patterns, such as wanting sex more/less often or wanting to experiment with new techniques
  • you find unexplained condoms, birth control, underwear, Viagra, etc.
  • your existing condom supply diminishes faster than you can account for
  • your partner becomes more emotionally distant and communicates less often or less deeply with you
  • your partner runs errands that seem to take much longer than they should
  • if you confront your partner about possible cheating, s/he blows up at you
  • when you ask your partner about certain discrepancies, the explanation doesn’t sound believable to you
  • your partner hides credit card statements or other bills
  • your partner seems to be withdrawing more cash from the ATM than usual, and you can’t discern where it’s going
  • you find unexplained receipts for things like meals and entertainment
  • your partner seems to be doing more business travel than usual, but there isn’t a good explanation for it like a promotion, transfer, or new work project.
  • your partner seems to be eating less and/or you’re spending less on food, suggested there are meals that are unaccounted for
  • your partner dresses nicer than usual when running errands
  • your partner seems unusually interested in getting in shape
  • you learn that your partner missed a day of work when s/he was supposedly working
  • your partner supposedly puts in more hours “at the office,” but there’s no overtime pay or promotion forthcoming
  • your partner is supposedly working late, but you can’t reach him/her when you call
  • your partner has unexplained marks like hickeys or scratches
  • your partner begins wearing his/her wedding ring less often than usual or seemingly forgets to put it on
  • your partner stops taking the kids along on errands when s/he used to do that
  • your partner says “I love you” less often, seems more distant when s/he says it, or seems more distant when you say it
  • your partner seems to resist or delay making future plans with you, such as buying a new car or getting pregnant
  • your partner spends less time with you or seems to be avoiding you
  • your partner becomes unusually critical or hostile
  • your partner seems to be spending a lot more time online or on the phone
  • it’s more difficult than usual to get in touch with your partner when s/he’s out at work
  • your partner takes extra showers, such as immediately after getting home from work or errands
  • your partner does laundry at unusual times
  • your partner takes longer than usual to reply to text messages or seems annoyed when you call
  • your partner behaves strangely when the suspected target is nearby
  • your partner orgasms less frequently than usual during sex
  • your partner suggests that you go on trips without him/her, such as visiting your family for a few days
  • your partner boosts your cell phone plan to add more minutes or text capabilities, but it’s a mystery where that extra capacity is going
  • you catch your partner using their cell phone in odd locations like the backyard or garage
  • your partner accuses you of cheating, but you aren’t
  • your partner starts changing passwords on accounts you used to be able to access
  • your partner seems to intentionally pick fights with you
  • your partner changes or hides his/her relationship status on social networking sites
  • your partner goes out with friends, but if you call the friends s/he is supposedly with, they obviously aren’t out with your partner
  • your partner’s sex techniques change suddenly
  • your partner buys new lingerie that she never seems to wear
  • some of your partner’s clothing goes missing
  • your partner guards/hides their cell phone and never leaves it lying around unattended
  • your partner frequently nukes all saved text messages and/or emails
  • your partner incorrectly remembers gifts s/he gave you but which you never received
  • your partner shuts down and password protects their computer when they leave

Perhaps the #1 sign of cheating is the sinking feeling that your partner is cheating on you. If you get that feeling, you’re probably right.

Incidentally, when cheating does occur, quite often it’s with a co-worker. Most people have sex with a co-worker at some point in their lives, and sometimes they do it when they’re already in a relationship with someone else.

Dealing With Cheating

If cheating should occur, or if you’re suspicious of cheating, it’s entirely up to you how you wish to respond to it. There’s no single right or wrong solution.

Many people bury their heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. This usually doesn’t work so well. It may retain the frame of the relationship, but it kills your chances of lasting intimacy. It may successfully preserve your lifestyle and financial situation for a while though if that’s all you care about.

Some people confront and then forgive their partners. Much of the time the cheating pattern returns, often with the same person but sometimes with new partners.

Some people leave the relationship. Quite often, however, they enter into another relationship where the same cheating pattern surfaces again.

If you find yourself in this situation, take responsibility for it. You chose this particular partner. There were probably warning signs that you chose to disregard. You may have valued certain factors like security above happiness. You may have been excessively clingy and unwilling to accept the truth. You may be harboring the belief that it’s difficult to find good partners.

I’m not saying you should blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. Nor do you need to become hyper-vigilant and paranoid that it may happen again. Simply take responsibility for your role in the situation, consider what lessons you learned, forgive your partner, and move on from it.

My preference is to acknowledge that people always have other options for connection, and they may enjoy other partners besides me, even if we’re in a close relationship together. Rather than seeing this as a problem, I see it as an opportunity to expand my experience of love, shifting it from attachment to abundance. I understand that any woman I get involved with is going to have other options. I also know that change is the only constant. She may change. I may change. Both of us may change. There’s nothing wrong with that per se.

Everyone is unique. Monogamy works very well for some people, while others thrive in open relationships. The key is to figure out what forms of connection work best for you, and then be true to yourself and honor who you are. It may take some experimentation to discover what’s most important to you, but each new connection will teach you valuable lessons about yourself, even those that end in heartbreak.