Archive for the ‘learning’ Category

Many people must have heard of this thing called miracle faith healing, where people who are sick/handicapped gets miraculously cured by a faith healer. These faith healers proclaim they have the power from God and this power allows them to cure the sick and the handicapped. The people who supposedly have this special power are known as faith healers.

What do I think of faith healers? To be very frank, I think 99 percent of faith healers are fakes. And when I mean fake, it could mean two things. One. These people are out to con and cheat. Two. They are so deluded that it becomes a reality for them, and it becomes part of their consciousness. Are there real faith healers? Possibly but unlikely.

There are numerous videos on the internet that debunks faith healing. But here is one that is both entertaining and very informative. Miracles For Sale

One of the most famous faith healers in America is a guy called Benny Hinn.

Benny Hinn

Benny Hinn

This guy is one of the biggest tele-evangelist faith healer in the world. He claims to be able to cure people of all kinds of sickness including cancer. And people willingly give money to his church and to him in exchange for such miracles. This guy is so rich that he actually has his own private jet.

Is this guy for real? Well, till date, there is not one single case of healing that he has done that can be confirmed and proven medically. There is a documentary exposing him on NBC several years ago.

The amazing thing is that even after he was being exposed on NBC, he still continues to do whatever he is doing and reaping big money for it. It just shows that when it comes to religion, people can be extremely irrational. And this is where the danger lies. Some people do exploit this irrational faith. They exploit this ‘weakness’ in people for personal gain. When I say ‘weakness’, it’s really just a natural human instinct. We can all fall prey to this ‘weakness’, especially when we are caught up in a religious frenzy. It is easy for the church leaders to explain away any doubts by using the words “Trust God” and “Have faith”. Most people will just shut up after that. Surely you won’t want to risk being called ‘faithless’ or ‘godless’?

Now, there is a big difference between real faith and blind faith.
Real faith is given by God – blind faith is drummed up by the individual.
Real faith is based on evidences – blind faith is based on wishful thinking.

So, we need to be aware and conscious of our faith. We cannot blindly follow. There are things we need to question. Benny Hinn is a perfect example of why we need to extremely cautious of blind faith. The recent City Harvest Saga has given us some food for thought. The fact that the church actually invited Benny Hinn to preach in 2007 shows what kind of belief system it has. “Leave them; they are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.” Matthew 15:14.

The entire Singapore has been engulfed in a flood of ‘spiritual’ awakening lately. Everyone and everyone suddenly has an opinion about the recent City Harvest Church saga. From taxi drivers, to pastors, to the aunties at the wet market, everyone has an opinion about Kong, his pop-star wannabe wife and the City Harvest Church.

So here are my thoughts.

Did Kong Hee and the other church leaders charged commit a crime?

kong hee charged

kong hee charged

The answer to this question is a very simple “We don’t know”. They have been charged, yes. But have they been proven guilty by the court? No. Although it’s true that the CAD must have substantial evidences against them, but they have yet to have a chance to tell their story.

What is the issue at hand?

Many members of the City Harvest Church (CHC) have much faith in Kong Hee, their beloved pastor. They say they can see the good work done by the church and they also have no problem giving money to support Sun Ho’s crossover project. The question and issue here is not whether the money was put to any good use. I am pretty sure that the cross over project must have done some good. The real issue is whether any laws have been broken. A man who steals say a million dollars from his office and then gives 100K to charity, is still committing a crime. Has he done some good? Yes, for sure! But he has broken the law. This is not the land of Robin Hood.

robin hood

robin hood

I can also understand why the church members are so supportive of Kong. Church members are generally very close. They also see the church leaders as people they look up to and their spiritual connection with God. They are like their brothers, and sisters and many church member are in fact closer to their church leaders than to their own family members. And I honestly think these church leaders are generally nice people. So imagine one day, someone accused your best friend/father/brother of committing a crime of fraud. What is your first reaction? Indignant? Shock? Disbelief? Defensive? All of the above? One might think “How could someone so close to me and who has done so much good be accused of a crime like that?” It’s a natural human instinct to side with those that we love. Again, I have no doubt that Kong and his leaders have done a lot of good for the community and for the church’s members. BUT it doesn’t mean they are perfect and they can do no wrong. We are only human after all.

city harvest church

city harvest church

Is City Harvest Church’s teaching sound?

I am not a member of the church so I can’t profess that I know all the doctrines in the church. But after listening to numerous sermons, accounts from past and present members, I do draw some conclusions. I am pretty sure quite a large part of their sermons and doctrines are good. They teach people to be good and to love God and to love people. But I feel there are two major problems with the teachings of the City Harvest Church.

City Harvest speak in tongues

First, the concept of prosperity preaching. For those who want to know more about prosperity preaching, please check out prosperity preaching. I firmly believe that the concept of prosperity preaching is against the word of God, which is the BIBLE. I have heard sermons from Kong Hee which he preaches about a ‘rich Jesus’, to give so that you can receive 100 folds from God, and that only the rich churches can do much more for God. I have seen him twist bible verses to suit his purpose and objectives for the church members to donate more and more money to the church. There are numerous passages from the bible talking about the evil of ‘the love for money’. Jesus even says “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24)

The second issue with the teachings of the City Harvest Church has to do with this whole idea of speaking in tongues. For more information about speaking in tongues, you should check out speaking in tongues. Or you can just take a read of bible 1 Corinthians 14, which is a lengthy admonishment against falsely speaking in tongues by apostle Paul.

When the bible talks about speaking in tongues, it is basically an act of speaking in another language which the person has no prior knowledge of. It’s like an Indian suddenly speaking in perfect Mandarin. That is a real sign of a miracle. BUT it’s not speaking in gibberish which no one can comprehend, which is what the City Harvest church members (at least most of them) are doing.

I have spoken to a City Harvest leader many years ago about this, challenging him to the scriptures. In the end, he reluctantly admitted that speaking in tongues was more of a psychological thing than a real ‘gift’ from God. He went on to say that he still felt there was no issue. As long as this whole ‘speaking in tongues’ help the Christian to be closer to God, it was ok.

But it is an issue because a large part of the church’s walk with God would be based on a very big lie. Members believe that those who can speak in tongues are more spiritual and Godly. They are pressurized to be able to speak in tongues so that they are not looked down upon by the other members. So what you get is an entire congregation of people in some kind of trance, believing they are connecting to God when it’s just gibberish they are spouting.

Sure, they can get emotional when they are in that state of trance. They ‘feel’ a connection to God. But is it even real??? Emotions are a strange thing. They can make one believe in the strangest things or do the weirdest shit. But it would so interesting to see Jacelyn Tay and Jack Neo speaking in tongues in the church. That alone is worth the tithe.

jacelyn tay city harvest

jacelyn tay city harvest

jack neo city harvest

jack neo city harvest

Is Kong Hee a real con man?

Check out this picture of Kong Hee 20 years ago. What do you think?

kong hee nerd


Well, I believe that this guy first started the church with very good intentions. I really don’t think that he started out by wanting to con people. But who knows what happened along the way?

Kong Hee apparently got his masters and doctorate from a university known as New Covenant International University and Theological Seminary (NCIU). It seems that this school has no campus, no curriculum, no facilities, no office.

It does seem that NCIU is a diploma mill, with doctorates and master’s degrees for sale, where any incoherent, fatuous, and plagiarized essay qualifies as a doctoral thesis or dissertation.

If NCIU is indeed a bogus school, then Kong Hee has never taken any courses (not even by mail) normally expected of a pastor in a mainline Christian denomination.

Did Kong Hee’s probably bogus master’s degree help him in getting ordained in 1991?

What does it say about the honesty and integrity of Kong Hee and Pringle that they would seek to impress their flocks with probably bogus “doctorates” from an outfit such as NCIU? And most importantly, if the doctorate was fake, then is he even qualified to be the leader of the church? Does he know enough about the bible to lead such a big congregation?

Source from: … -phil.html

Kong Hee rich ok?

I have no problem with Kong Hee being rich. But the question is how did he acquire his riches? Was he transparent about his pay? Was he transparent about all the businesses he owns which links to the church? The church, as a charity, gets tax exemptions. Therefore, transparency and accountability are crucial in the governance of the charity’s funds. TT Durai, Ming Yi and Joachiam Kang have all fallen prey to the temptation of greed and power. What makes the church members so sure that Kong and wife will not?

Sun Ho’s career

I am not going to talk about how disastrous those mtvs are. They started this so called crossover project with the intention of reaching out to Hollywood and to people who might otherwise not have a chance to know God. First and foremost, there are about 83 percent Christians in America. If they had wanted to save more souls, shouldn’t they have ventured out to places like China, or India?

sun ho hollywood

sun ho hollywood

Secondly, aren’t there any better singers that can be used for this project? Sun is neither the prettiest, most talented nor the youngest. Surely someone from the more than 33,000 membership can qualify? Was she chosen on merit? Or was it just simply a convenient case of ‘God chose her’?

Lastly, is spending 28 million justified in the project?


I am just curious about how the court case will turn out. Will it turn out more dark secrets on the church and its leaders? Or would the leaders come up with such a strong defence that CAD would be forced to mince their words? Let’s wait and see, shall we?

If you say you’re in a committed relationship, what does that mean? What are you actually committing to? If I ask some people who claim to be in committed relationships what they mean by it, they might say things like: I’m committed to my partner. This answer is pretty vague, wouldn’t you agree? It could mean anything. Committed to what specifically? How is this any different than taking care of your dog?

I’m committed to loving my partner. That’s a step forward but still essentially a cop-out. Love is wonderful, but what’s the actual committment you’re claiming to make? To feel the emotion of love for your partner 24/7? To feel loving at least once every couple days? To hug your partner 5 times per week? To live together in the same household? To have joint finances? What are you actually saying?

I’m committed to having a spiritual bond with my partner. I feel like I’m asking a Ferengi how much they’d like to donate. Believing that you’re creating a spiritual bond is great and wonderful and all. But once you return from Narnia, then what are we really talking about here? Are you meditating together till your chakras look like a bowl of Lucky Charms? Are you smoking the same joint as one? What will we actually see of this spiritual bond you speak of?

When you define your commitment in such a vague way, there’s so much wiggle room that we could say you haven’t actually committed to anything yet. This is laziness masquerading as commitment. I’m committed to only having sex with my partner. At least we’re getting specific now. I’m sure your partner is very shaggable, but this is merely exclusivity. Is that all there is to commitment? If you’re exclusive with someone, is that sufficient to claim that you’re in a committed relationship together? And does this mean that prior to your current relationship, you were in a committed relationship with your hand? 😉

I’m committed to my partner’s highest good. Praise Hestia! What’s your partner’s highest good? Are you sure it involves being with you? Does this highest good include encouraging your partner to leave once you suspect that being in a relationship with you is no longer (or perhaps never was) equal to their highest good? I’m committed to your highest good. Does that mean I’m in a committed relationship with you?

I’m committed to loving, cherishing, honoring, and obeying my partner. How original. What does that actually mean though? How does this translate into what we can perceive? You can love, cherish, and honor a friend or family member if you so desire. What’s so special about how this shows up in your committed relationship? I like the obeying part though. Yum! 😉

Defining Commitment One reason so many relationships involve cheating, lying, and secrets is that the commitments are poorly defined. This creates gray areas that can be easily stretched until you reach the point of having crossed the border into breaking that commitment, but it isn’t clear at what point the border was specifically crossed. How will you know if you’re honoring your commitment or not? Be specific.

Start by explicitly defining what your commitment looks like. What do you expect of each other? What have you decided to co-create together? Talk about actions, events, feelings, reactions, expectations, and consequences. Step out of the conceptual realm, and move into the world of what’s perceivable. If you’re going to make a commitment, then let it be grounded in reality.

Bring it over to this side of the wardrobe. Making a subjective commitment is wonderful. That’s a good start. It’s perfectly fine to begin with abstractions like loving and honoring each other. But if it’s a real commitment — and not an airy fairy nebulous one that could mean anything — then there will be an objective side to it as well. The subjective and objective commitments are two sides of the same coin.

Ultimately you can’t have one without the other. If there’s genuine love present, how do you intend for it to manifest? Will this translate into flowers, joint finances, and having kids? Or will it show up as sailing around the world together, sharing bottles of wine, and hours-long lovemaking sessions? Or is it simply a matter of texting “I ❤ U, Schmoopie!” twenty times a day?

Everyone has a different understanding of commitment. If you assume your partner’s notion of commitment is the same as yours, good luck with that. It’s a well-trodden path to disappointment and heartbreak. Be prepared for that slow sinking feeling down the road. Reality vs. Semantics As you discuss your commitment with your partner, be careful not to get lost fussing over the exact meaning of words like commitment and cheating. The exact labels you use aren’t that important. What matters is that you focus on what’s real and grounded and experiential as opposed to getting too abstract and vague.

Talk about what your commitment means to you in a grounded way. It may be less romantic than the ungrounded version, but creating that level of clarity can deepen your connection. You’ll tend to feel more connected when you and your partner clarify what you expect of each other and what you’re willing to give. Saying that you expect your partner to love, cherish, and be faithful to you is likely to create headaches down the road.

Instead, replace these vagaries with a specific expectation like, “If you were to kiss another woman in a way that’s more than a friendly greeting or a peck on the cheek, such as if you were to make out with her or French kiss her, I’d consider that a violation of our commitment, and I’d feel hurt and betrayed.” Or say, “I’d like you to take at least one specific action each day that you expect will make me feel loved and cared for, such as making me a nice dinner; going for walk together while holding my hand; cuddling me on the couch as we watch a movie; looking into my eyes and saying ‘I love you and care about you’; or slapping a slave collar on me, commanding me to strip, tying me to the bed, and shagging me rotten.” Updating Your Commitment As your relationship evolves over time, it’s wise to update your commitment now and then.

Talk with your partner about the changes you’re experiencing. If you can’t renegotiate your commitment in a way that feels good to you both, then agree to let go with love, and give yourselves the freedom to seek out new partners who feel good about making the commitments you each desire. You don’t actually have to commit to anything. So if the idea of being specific doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s absolutely fine to let go and to allow your relationship path unfold as it will. In that case, don’t get too attached to the idea of commitment as it relates to any one person, as it will simply devolve into attachment and clinginess.

Commitment requires free choice, not obligation. If you claim to be in a committed relationship but you don’t have a specific commitment with your partner that goes beyond the use of vague and ill-defined words, then don’t be too surprised when your connection gradually becomes something that appears committed on the surface but lacks the true spirit of commitment in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you haven’t spelled out any specific commitments, then you’re better off not using the C-word to describe your relationship. But if you still want to feel the spirit of commitment without going through the trouble of defining it, use a slave collar instead. 😉

Have you had a dream and wonder what exactly it means? If you believe in the subconscious, then you must believe that dreams are part of our subconscious mind trying to tell us something about our lives.

Here is a website that can interpret your dreams online. Try it. It’s rather fun.

Relationship cheating is a very common occurrence. If you haven’t experienced it yet, there’s a good chance you eventually will. In this article we’ll explore how often cheating occurs, how to define cheating, signs of cheating, and how to deal with it.

Although I personally prefer non-monogamy, I opted to write this article using a monogamous perspective since that seems to be the more popular relationship paradigm. Given the frequency of cheating in monogamous relationships, it would appear that true monogamy isn’t as common as people would have each other believe.

Frequency of Cheating

I found it difficult to track down good cheating statistics. This seems to be partly because people have a hard time being completely honest, even when surveyed in ways that safeguard their anonymity. There’s still some shame and guilt associated with admitting the truth, even in private. So instead of sharing a bunch of detailed stats that might be wrong, I’ll simply share the big picture elements.

Slightly more than half of all married people will cheat on their spouses at some point in their lives. Men apparently cheat more often than women, but the gap isn’t huge.

Most of the time cheating does occur, the other spouse doesn’t know about it, with women being in the dark slightly more often than men.

That’s if you’re married. If you’re in a committed relationship but aren’t married, then I’d imagine that the odds of cheating are even higher. Partly I say that because cheating is more common when you’re younger and becomes less likely as you age.

The big game-changer here is the Internet, which makes even 10-year old stats seem very dated now. Recents surveys suggest that most people have flirted online at one point or another, that when people spend time in chat rooms they’re usually motivated by romantic or sexual interest, and that about a third of adults have had real sex as a result of a connection that began online.

In the USA alone, tens of millions of people cheat on their primary relationship partners. Cheating is very, very common. Most of the time when people cheat, they hide it from their partners, and they usually succeed in doing so, not because they’re so great at keeping secrets but mainly because their partners fail to recognize and acknowledge the telltale signs.

Suffice it to say that cheating is rampant.

Statistically speaking, if you get involved in committed relationships or marriage, the odds are better than 50-50 that you’re eventually going to cheat at some point in your life. And you’ll probably hide it from your primary partner, and you’ll probably get away with it.

Of course you can decline to join this group if you so desire. However, there’s still a good chance you’ll end up in a relationship with someone else who’s a member, and you probably won’t know. Or you’ll know, but you’ll retreat into denial about it.

Defining Cheating

What exactly constitutes cheating? Not everyone defines cheating the same way. Society may condition us to think of cheating a certain way, but deep down we may not feel the same.

Have a heart to heart talk with your partner, and define what you would consider cheating. Your answers don’t have to be the same.

Here are some items to think about.

Would you or your partner find it problematic if you…

  • Have sexual thoughts about someone else
  • Stare at someone attractive walking by when you’re with your partner
  • Look at porn
  • Masturbate to porn
  • Masturbate while imagining having sex with someone else
  • Have sex with your partner while visualizing sex with someone else
  • Go to a strip club
  • Get a lap dance
  • Go dancing with someone you find attractive
  • Have coffee and a long chat with someone you find attractive
  • Go out to dinner and a show with someone you find attractive
  • Hug someone
  • Cuddle someone
  • Cuddle someone naked
  • Go on a vacation with someone
  • Sleep in the same bed with someone
  • Give or receive a foot massage
  • Give or receive a full body massage
  • Kiss someone lightly
  • Kiss someone passionately
  • French kiss someone
  • Hot chat with someone
  • Have phone sex with someone
  • Buy an expensive gift for someone you’re attracted to
  • Give or receive a hickey
  • Suck someone’s breasts
  • Engage in light petting with someone
  • Engage in heavy petting with someone
  • Give someone oral sex
  • Receive oral sex from someone
  • Have an orgasm with someone
  • Give someone an orgasm
  • Have intercourse without having an orgasm
  • Have intercourse with an orgasm
  • Have unprotected intercourse
  • Have a threesome with your partner
  • Have a threesome without your partner
  • Say to someone else “I love you” and mean it
  • Doing any of the above more than once
  • Doing any of the above more than once with the same person
  • Do any of the above with a member of the same sex
  • Do any of the above without telling your primary partner about it beforehand
  • Do any of the above without telling your primary partner at all

There are many possibilities for your boundaries. And your partner’s boundaries may be different than yours.

Think about:

  1. Your boundaries for yourself
  2. Your boundaries for your partner
  3. Your partner’s boundaries for his/herself
  4. Your partner’s boundaries for you

Each of these items may be quite different.

A problem that occurs often in relationships is that people don’t clearly define their boundaries. They just assume they know what their boundaries are and that their partner’s boundaries are similar. This makes it easy for either you or your partner to gradually slide across the border into the realm of “cheating” without ever really deciding to do so.

It would be very rare for someone to say, “I’m going to cheat on my partner.” What happens instead is that at some point, you discover you’ve already slipped across the border without trying to do so, and once you realize you’re already on the other side, then you figure you might as well make the best of it.

You don’t have to get this explicit if you don’t want to, but if you’ve had problems with cheating in the past, perhaps it would be wise to start by clarifying your boundaries with your partner.

You can’t force a boundary on your partner. Either they’ll willingly agree to it, or they won’t. If your boundaries are miles apart, and you or your partner resist closing the gap, then you’re probably better off looking for more compatible matches.

When you agree to certain boundaries and feel good about it, you have a good shot of avoiding cheating, regardless of where your boundaries actually are. If you don’t define your boundaries or if you and your partner only agree verbally but not in your hearts, then you’ve created the space to invite cheating into your relationship.

This article is specifically about cheating, but you can define boundaries in other ways too. For example, if you’re in an open relationship, then you may have very liberal boundaries sexually, so you may be hard-pressed to define anything there as cheating. However, you may still have important boundaries that involve safety, honesty, and kindness that may not fall within the realm of cheating. It’s a good idea to define those too if you and your partner can come to an agreement.

For example, if a friend tells you something in confidence, will you automatically share that with your partner? And will you let your friend know in advance that anything she tells you will be shared with your partner? Or do you slide into the gray area of assuming you’ll share everything with your partner and imagining that your friend expects this, even as you fear that if you told her this up front, she might decide to share less with you?

Signs of Cheating

Despite your best efforts, cheating can still occur. You may have control over your part of the commitment, but you don’t control your partner. Your partner remains free to make his/her own choices, including choices that may violate your mutually agreed upon commitment. It happens.

If you suspect your partner of cheating, you’re probably right, even if you don’t have much objective proof. It’s certainly not uncommon, and when you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while, you may intuitively or logically notice that something has shifted.

Quite often, however, even when clear signs of cheating are present, people go into denial. They don’t want to believe it’s happening. So in order to preserve the illusion of their monogamous relationship, they pretend everything is okay and try to avoid confrontation.

There are many telltale signs of cheating, some subtle and some not so subtle. No single sign may be a smoking gun, but what do you see when you look at the big picture?

These signs of cheating include:

  • lipstick smudges or perfume odors that didn’t come from you
  • your partner becomes unusually private about protecting his/her email
  • higher than usual phone bills
  • your partner is vague when telling you about travel, nights out, etc.
  • you catch your partner lying to you
  • your mutual friends start distancing themselves from you or acting strange around you
  • people suddenly get quiet when you enter the room
  • if your partner is on the computer, s/he quickly switches apps or hides windows when you walk in
  • your partner shows sudden changes in sex patterns, such as wanting sex more/less often or wanting to experiment with new techniques
  • you find unexplained condoms, birth control, underwear, Viagra, etc.
  • your existing condom supply diminishes faster than you can account for
  • your partner becomes more emotionally distant and communicates less often or less deeply with you
  • your partner runs errands that seem to take much longer than they should
  • if you confront your partner about possible cheating, s/he blows up at you
  • when you ask your partner about certain discrepancies, the explanation doesn’t sound believable to you
  • your partner hides credit card statements or other bills
  • your partner seems to be withdrawing more cash from the ATM than usual, and you can’t discern where it’s going
  • you find unexplained receipts for things like meals and entertainment
  • your partner seems to be doing more business travel than usual, but there isn’t a good explanation for it like a promotion, transfer, or new work project.
  • your partner seems to be eating less and/or you’re spending less on food, suggested there are meals that are unaccounted for
  • your partner dresses nicer than usual when running errands
  • your partner seems unusually interested in getting in shape
  • you learn that your partner missed a day of work when s/he was supposedly working
  • your partner supposedly puts in more hours “at the office,” but there’s no overtime pay or promotion forthcoming
  • your partner is supposedly working late, but you can’t reach him/her when you call
  • your partner has unexplained marks like hickeys or scratches
  • your partner begins wearing his/her wedding ring less often than usual or seemingly forgets to put it on
  • your partner stops taking the kids along on errands when s/he used to do that
  • your partner says “I love you” less often, seems more distant when s/he says it, or seems more distant when you say it
  • your partner seems to resist or delay making future plans with you, such as buying a new car or getting pregnant
  • your partner spends less time with you or seems to be avoiding you
  • your partner becomes unusually critical or hostile
  • your partner seems to be spending a lot more time online or on the phone
  • it’s more difficult than usual to get in touch with your partner when s/he’s out at work
  • your partner takes extra showers, such as immediately after getting home from work or errands
  • your partner does laundry at unusual times
  • your partner takes longer than usual to reply to text messages or seems annoyed when you call
  • your partner behaves strangely when the suspected target is nearby
  • your partner orgasms less frequently than usual during sex
  • your partner suggests that you go on trips without him/her, such as visiting your family for a few days
  • your partner boosts your cell phone plan to add more minutes or text capabilities, but it’s a mystery where that extra capacity is going
  • you catch your partner using their cell phone in odd locations like the backyard or garage
  • your partner accuses you of cheating, but you aren’t
  • your partner starts changing passwords on accounts you used to be able to access
  • your partner seems to intentionally pick fights with you
  • your partner changes or hides his/her relationship status on social networking sites
  • your partner goes out with friends, but if you call the friends s/he is supposedly with, they obviously aren’t out with your partner
  • your partner’s sex techniques change suddenly
  • your partner buys new lingerie that she never seems to wear
  • some of your partner’s clothing goes missing
  • your partner guards/hides their cell phone and never leaves it lying around unattended
  • your partner frequently nukes all saved text messages and/or emails
  • your partner incorrectly remembers gifts s/he gave you but which you never received
  • your partner shuts down and password protects their computer when they leave

Perhaps the #1 sign of cheating is the sinking feeling that your partner is cheating on you. If you get that feeling, you’re probably right.

Incidentally, when cheating does occur, quite often it’s with a co-worker. Most people have sex with a co-worker at some point in their lives, and sometimes they do it when they’re already in a relationship with someone else.

Dealing With Cheating

If cheating should occur, or if you’re suspicious of cheating, it’s entirely up to you how you wish to respond to it. There’s no single right or wrong solution.

Many people bury their heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. This usually doesn’t work so well. It may retain the frame of the relationship, but it kills your chances of lasting intimacy. It may successfully preserve your lifestyle and financial situation for a while though if that’s all you care about.

Some people confront and then forgive their partners. Much of the time the cheating pattern returns, often with the same person but sometimes with new partners.

Some people leave the relationship. Quite often, however, they enter into another relationship where the same cheating pattern surfaces again.

If you find yourself in this situation, take responsibility for it. You chose this particular partner. There were probably warning signs that you chose to disregard. You may have valued certain factors like security above happiness. You may have been excessively clingy and unwilling to accept the truth. You may be harboring the belief that it’s difficult to find good partners.

I’m not saying you should blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. Nor do you need to become hyper-vigilant and paranoid that it may happen again. Simply take responsibility for your role in the situation, consider what lessons you learned, forgive your partner, and move on from it.

My preference is to acknowledge that people always have other options for connection, and they may enjoy other partners besides me, even if we’re in a close relationship together. Rather than seeing this as a problem, I see it as an opportunity to expand my experience of love, shifting it from attachment to abundance. I understand that any woman I get involved with is going to have other options. I also know that change is the only constant. She may change. I may change. Both of us may change. There’s nothing wrong with that per se.

Everyone is unique. Monogamy works very well for some people, while others thrive in open relationships. The key is to figure out what forms of connection work best for you, and then be true to yourself and honor who you are. It may take some experimentation to discover what’s most important to you, but each new connection will teach you valuable lessons about yourself, even those that end in heartbreak.

Levels of Consciousness

Posted: December 21, 2010 in learning, Life

In the book Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins, there’s a hierarchy of levels of human consciousness. It’s an interesting paradigm. If you read the book, it’s also fairly easy to figure out where you fall on this hierarchy based on your current life situation.

From low to high, the levels of consciousness are: shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, anger, pride, courage, neutrality, willingness, acceptance, reason, love, joy, peace, enlightenment. An increase from one level to another will result in enormous change in your life. It’s interesting to see how my life has changed and shifted according to the levels of consciousness over the years. Which levels of consciousness are you at now?

Shame – Just a step above death. You’re probably contemplating suicide at this level. Either that or you’re a serial killer. Think of this as self-directed hatred.

Guilt – A step above shame, but you still may be having thoughts of suicide. You think of yourself as a sinner, unable to forgive yourself for past transgressions. (went through this during a dark period of my life)

Apathy – Feeling hopeless or victimized. The state of learned helplessness. Many homeless people are stuck here.

Grief – A state of perpetual sadness and loss. You might drop down here after losing a loved one. Depression. Still higher than apathy, since you’re beginning to escape the numbness.

Fear – Seeing the world as dangerous and unsafe. Paranoia. Usually you’ll need help to rise above this level, or you’ll remain trapped for a long time, such as in an abusive relationship.

Desire – Not to be confused with setting and achieving goals, this is the level of addiction, craving, and lust — for money, approval, power, fame, etc. Consumerism. Materialism. This is the level of smoking and drinking and doing drugs. (definitely went through this period for a long part of my life)

Anger – the level of frustration, often from not having your desires met at the lower level. This level can spur you to action at higher levels, or it can keep you stuck in hatred. In an abusive relationship, you’ll often see an anger person coupled with a fear person.

Pride – The first level where you start to feel good, but it’s a false feeling. It’s dependent on external circumstances (money, prestige, etc), so it’s vulnerable. Pride can lead to nationalism, racism, and religious wars. Think Nazis. A state of irrational denial and defensiveness. Religious fundamentalism is also stuck at this level. You become so closely enmeshed in your beliefs that you see an attack on your beliefs as an attack on you.

Courage – The first level of true strength. I’ve made a previous post about this level: Courage is the Gateway. This is where you start to see life as challenging and exciting instead of overwhelming. You begin to have an inkling of interest in personal growth, although at this level you’ll probably call it something else like skill-building, career advancement, education, etc. You start to see your future as an improvement upon your past, rather than a continuation of the same. (beginning to step into this zone. beginning to start seeing things in a positive light)

Neutrality – This level is epitomized by the phrase, “live and let live.” It’s flexible, relaxed, and unattached. Whatever happens, you roll with the punches. You don’t have anything to prove. You feel safe and get along well with other people. A lot of self-employed people are at this level. A very comfortable place. The level of complacency and laziness. You’re taking care of your needs, but you don’t push yourself too hard. (quite possibly the state i was in for most part of my school life)

Willingness – Now that you’re basically safe and comfortable, you start using your energy more effectively. Just getting by isn’t good enough anymore. You begin caring about doing a good job — perhaps even your best. You think about time management and productivity and getting organized, things that weren’t so important to you at the level of neutrality. Think of this level as the development of willpower and self-discipline. These people are the “troopers” of society; they get things done well and don’t complain much. If you’re in school, then you’re a really good student; you take your studies seriously and put in the time to do a good job. This is the point where your consciousness becomes more organized and disciplined.

Acceptance – Now a powerful shift happens, and you awaken to the possibilities of living proactively. At the level of willingness you’ve become competent, and now you want to put your abilities to good use. This is the level of setting and achieving goals. I don’t like the label “acceptance” that Hawkins uses here, but it basically means that you begin accepting responsibility for your role in the world. If something isn’t right about your life (your career, your health, your relationship), you define your desired outcome and change it. You start to see the big picture of your life more clearly. This level drives many people to switch careers, start a new business, or change their diets.

Reason – At this level you transcend the emotional aspects of the lower levels and begin to think clearly and rationally. Hawkins defines this as the level of medicine and science. The way I see it, when you reach this level, you become capable of using your reasoning abilities to their fullest extent. You now have the discipline and the proactivity to fully exploit your natural abilities. You’ve reached the point where you say, “Wow. I can do all this stuff, and I know I must put it to good use. So what’s the best use of my talents?” You take a look around the world and start making meaningful contributions. At the very high end, this is the level of Einstein and Freud. It’s probably obvious that most people never reach this level in their entire lives.

Love – I don’t like Hawkins’ label “love” here because this isn’t the emotion of love. It’s unconditional love, a permanent understanding of your connectedness with all that exists. Think compassion. At the level of reason, you live in service to your head. But that eventually becomes a dead end where you fall into the trap of over-intellectualizing. You see that you need a bigger context than just thinking for its own sake. At the level of love, you now place your head and all your other talents and abilities in service to your heart (not your emotions, but your greater sense of right and wrong — your conscience). I see this as the level of awakening to your true purpose. Your motives at this level are pure and uncorrupted by the desires of the ego. This is the level of lifetime service to humanity. Think Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dr. Albert Schweitzer. At this level you also begin to be guided by a force greater than yourself. It’s a feeling of letting go. Your intuition becomes extremely strong. Hawkins claims this level is reached only by 1 in 250 people during their entire lifetimes.

Joy – A state of pervasive, unshakable happiness. Eckhart Tolle describes this state in The Power of Now. The level of saints and advanced spiritual teachers. Just being around people at this level makes you feel incredible. At this level life is fully guided by synchronicity and intuition. There’s no more need to set goals and make detailed plans — the expansion of your consciousness allows you to operate at a much higher level. A near-death experience can temporarily bump you to this level.

Peace – Total transcendence. Hawkins claims this level is reached only by one person in 10 million.

Enlightenment – The highest level of human consciousness, where humanity blends with divinity. Extremely rare. The level of Krishna, Buddha, and Jesus. Even just thinking about people at this level can raise your consciousness.

I think the most important work we can do as human beings is to raise our individual level of consciousness. When we do this, we spread higher levels of consciousness to everyone around us. Imagine what an incredible world this would be if we could at least get everyone to the level of acceptance. According to Hawkins 85% of the people on earth live below the level of courage.

When you temporarily experience the higher levels, you can see where you must go next. You have one of those moments of clarity where you understand that things have to change. But when you sink into the lower levels, that memory becomes clouded.

Look at this hierarchy with an open mind and see if it leads you to new insights that may help you take the next leap in your own life. No levels are any more right or wrong than others. Try not to get your ego wrapped up in the idea of being at any particular level, unless you’re currently at the level of pride of course. ;)

I was speaking with a girl friend the other day and she was lamenting how she got approached by tons of losers on facebook and tagged everyday. It really cracked me up what some of the guys are doing to gain her attention. So to summarize our conversation, here is a list of things NOT to do when approaching women from the Internet.

1. Don’t start your introduction with a commentary about her physical attributes, especially her breast or cleavage. I know for guys, the moment we see a photo of a hot girl with big boobs in a bikini top, we will be going, “This girl’s boobs are damn delicious!” Try to keep a hold of yourself and not write those words to her. Understand that most other guys will be thinking the same and probably a ton of guys would have sent her the same type of ‘compliment’. So please dont screw yourself up by making an innocent comment like that. Once you get into her ‘horny bastard’ mode, it will be very difficult to get out of it.

2. Don’t copy and paste a long essay of introduction. I know you want to save time and try to send as many messages to as many women as possible. But please know that the girls are not stupid. They can smell a ‘cut and paste’ intro a mile away. And trust me. A truly hot girl won’t reply to that.

3. Don’t start with “Hi. Can I be your friend?” unless you are still studying in Primary one. Who the hell even says things like that nowadays. Do you go up to a girl in a club and say this? This has to rank as one of the most loserish statement ever. Are you so desperate for a friend that you go around begging people?

4. Don’t send a half naked photo of yourself working out at home. Ok, I know you are very proud of your body ever since you started going to the gym two times a week. But sending a photo like that tells the girl that A) You think you are damn hot and B) I am a loser who thinks I am damn hot


5. Don’t start with any sexual requests. It doesn’t work on normal girls. Only transsexuals and prostitutes. I know sex is probably your main motivation for prowling the internet but you really don’t need to broadcast this, especially in your intro. Worse, they could keep your message and sue you for sexual harassment later.

Since we are on this subject, I just read yesterday’s newspaper about a school teacher who befriended young boys from the internet. Apparently, he starts by telling them he’s an avid gamer and then proceeds to request for sexual favors through sms. I mean, how stupid can one get? SMS to small boys about sexual favors?

As expected, the boys complained to the parents and he’s caught almost immediately. His picture is on yesterday’s copy of The New Paper. You can read the news from here.

While I am in no position to judge since I am no saint myself, but this guy’s actions have to rank as one of the dumbest I have seen in recent history.