Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

Ok. There is one species of woman that many men, including yours truly will hope to miraculously find in his lifetime. Yes I am referring to the SQUIRTER. And for those who don’t know what it means, a squirter is someone who releases so much water during sex/orgasm that a fountain of water will shoot out from her pussy. I am sure many men must have watched such a scenario in porn movies. But how many of us have really found one – the elusive and legendary squirter.

squirting fountain

Despite the many woman that I have come into close proximity with throughout the years, I have not met one. Sure I have been with many women that are very wet and screamed very loudly during sex, but an actual woman who squirts? Never!

I had almost given up the search for one when one day, completely out of the blue, I happened to bump into one. Quite literally. See, I was with a couple of friends knocking back a few jugs of beer in a relatively sleazy hang flower joint which consists of thai, vietnamese and korean dancers.

vietnamese dancers singapore

I was getting pretty high at my table when I spun around and literally bumped into this gorgeous tall woman who flashed the most beautiful and angelic smile. I am a sucker for long legs and a beautiful smile, and this woman captured my attention instantly. So when it was her turn to go on stage to ‘parade’ herself in hope of getting ‘flowers’, I bought a 50 dollar flower garland which was hung on her. She smiled and did a little bow in my direction.

By the way I later found out that these girls in fact don’t get a fixed salary. They come here on a social visit pass of one month and they already owe their agent or the night club bosses $1,000. This is for food, lodging and the air ticket. So basically, they will have to sell a thousand dollars worth of flowers or drinks before they even start making any money. After they have earned their first one thousand dollars, they then split profits with the establishment on a 60-40 basis. Some women who looks average or don’t know how to make men feel good, might not even make a thousand dollars in a month. So next time you hang flower on one of these girls, consider yourself doing a good deed. I digress.

So after the ‘modeling’ segment, the girl with long legs came over to my table. Let’s just called her Ling. I found out that she came from vietnam and she it was her first week in Singapore. She wasn’t the prettiest girl in the club but she had a classy demeanor and a very fun personality that I found extremely attractive.

vietnamese girl

To cut the long story short, we exchanged numbers and I saw her again several times both in the club and outside the club before she had to go back to Vietnam after one month.

In the next month, I flew to Vietnam to visit her. It had been several years since I last visited Vietnam. It always reminded me of Singapore in the 1980s, very vibrant, very energetic with a special old school kind of charm. I love this country.

Meeting the Vietnamese girl was like meeting a long lost lover. We kissed and embraced. And I was really looking forward to spending time alone with her. We went to eat some famous Pho, drank some coffee at a Vietnamese Cafe. She brought me to many places on her motorbike and I must say riding on a motorbike behind a beautiful woman, through the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh, is one of the most amazing feeling in the world.

vietnamese girl on motorbike

At night, she stayed over at my hotel and I was already hard with anticipation. We made love for the first time. I fingered her and I could feel she was really wet. Her vagina was already contracting in spasms. then she mounted me. The way she moved her body was sensuous and slow, rocking back and forth but in a very slow and rhythmic fashion. Then I felt it. A gush liquid bursting out from her pussy and wetting my thighs and then soaking through the bed.

I was taken aback but it was a big turn on for me. We continued in several positions and I had to see it for myself. I stuck my fingers into her pussy while my other hand stimulated her nipples. Very shortly, her body was going into spasms and she was screaming. Then it happened, a burst of clear liquid erupting from her moist volcano. It soaked the bedsheets.

volcano eruption

The squirt was too powerful

I couldn’t help but smile. I kissed her gently on the lips and we hugged each other to sleep.

This was to be the start of a truly memorable find. The elusive squirter from Vietnam.

For those of you who don’t know what a ‘hang flower joint’ is, it’s a basically a pub/club/bar that dancers and singers sing or perform on stage. In exchange the customers will buy flowers to hang on the girls. And in exchange for these flowers, the girls will accompany you at your table after their performance. And the amount of time they accompany you will be directly proportionate to the amount of flowers you hang on them. The amount for the flowers start from ten dollars and goes all the way into the thousands.

hang flower joint

hang flower joint

One of my friends Andy is a big fan of these ‘hang flower joints’. So I have been accompanying him to several recently. I am absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of money that people spend in hanging flowers. I literally saw an old man purchase a thousand dollar banner to hang on the girl. A thousand??? Seriously? I wonder if he gets to fuck her after that. According to my friend Andy, it’s a no. It still depends on the girl.
What really puzzles me is why are men spending so much money on these women? I mean if it’s for sex I guess I can understand. But for false affection from these women, it really is pretty amazing. In these joints, there are very few physical contact other than the occassional holding of hands or the occassional peck on the lips or cheeks.

hang flower joint

hang flower joint

Watching my friend Andy desperately hanging 50 dollars worth of flowers on a few girls last night made me realize that these men are just pursuing the feeling of love. More specifically, First Love. I know it sounds kinda cliche but I think that’s the thing. It’s definitely not a physical thing. If not, they would have gone to a whore house or a massage parlour.

Or maybe it’s the thrill of the hunt. Pay money. Buy affection. Create a sense of ‘false dating’.

Or maybe these guys just have a lack of balls to approach women in clubs instead? Or maybe these older men with more financial power, they prefer to just pay and not have to deal with the fear of rejection. It’s a crazy world.


Posted: January 8, 2011 in humour
Tags: , ,

Ladies and gentlemen ….

I present to you ….


I did an earlier post with regards to the new Mediacorp TV Series Breakout and I praised Guo Liang and Jeanette Aw on their good acting and brilliant roles.

Sadly, I have to retract my earlier compliments. The first few episodes were very engaging and I thought some of the characterization were pretty strong. After the first week, the plot stagnated and we get treated to the same $#@% boring plot over and over again. How many times do we need to watch flashback of Guo Liang’s character and his brothers? Yes we get it. He is evil and has a violent past.

Then, we are being treated to the constant repetitive, and boring plot line of Xiao Ying (the woman who woke up after 13 years in coma) trying to find out who killed her parents. How is it even suspenseful when we already know that it was Guo Liang’s character who was the mastermind behind killing her parents? (please Mediacorp I pray you surprise me by having a twist to this plotline. Please don’t let Guo Liang be the mastermind)

Finally, how much of Jeanette Aw going psycho can we take? It seems that every episode she has at least two mental breakdowns. Is this some kind of Public Service Broadcast about Woodbridge Hospital and Split Personality Disorders? We get it. She IS nuts. Her character alternates between her silly ‘Holland Village Character’ and a growling lunatic. Speaking of which – why is she constantly talking in that low, strange voice and has a perpetual frown on her face? Evil people must frown all the time and speak in low voices? Someone please send a memo to Kim Jong Il.

First Expresson - Scowl

I am actually much more tickled by Ling Ming Lun’s character as the asshole lawyer. At least I get a good laugh every time he appears on screen. It’s fantastic to see his “Lampa Palan” face whenever he is in the presence of Guo Liang, Jeanette Aw and DYT (Dai Yang Tian).

Darren Lim is hilarious in a good way

Its unfortunate that a show with such promise in the beginning ran out of steam so early. Today’s episode about Pan Ling Ling’s character dying was especially painful to watch. The exaggerated acting of Jeanette Aw made the entire sequence unbelievable and laughable. The only possible saving grace was the scene between her and Guo Liang just before she died. It was possibly Guo Liang’s best scene. Prior to this scene, his pain and sadness consists of him grimacing and letting out “AH AH AH” with his eyes closed or half closed depending on the seriousness of the pain or sadness.

Don’t know how the ratings are turning out but my gut tells me that it’s not going to be that great.

You can watch the latest episodes here and judge for yourself.

Have you ever wondered if the guy you are seeing or the guy you have a crush on is serious about you? Do you sometimes think to yourself that it’s so hard to guess if a guy is really serious about you?

Fret not. I bring to you “10 Ways to know the guy is just not serious about you.” Since it’s the end of the year, if your relationship is really going nowhere, then it’s time to move on. If the guy is not serious about you, what’s the point of clinging onto him? You deserve better.

1. After having sex with you, the phone calls and smses dipped considerably. Before doing the deed, you talk to him on a daily basis. But after the first screw, he takes an entire day or two to even reply an sms. Many phone calls go unanswered.

2. He will walk away to answer a phone call and speak in hushed tones when he’s out with you. What is so secretive that he can’t speak in front of you? DUH! He’s speaking with his REAL girlfriend or WIFE!

3. He will only hold your hand when he’s drunk or when you are on an overseas trip with him. Obviously he doesn’t want anyone to find out he’s going out with you.

4. He tells you that the timing is just not right! He tells you a cock and bull story about how he just broke up with his girlfriend and that he is so hurt that he doesn’t want to get into a SERIOUS relationship so soon. If you believe in that, I have only two words for you – GROW UP! There is no such thing as the timing is not right. Do you seriously believe he will tell Angelina Jolie that the timing is not right if she told him that she has a crush on him?

5. He tells you, “It’s not you. It’s me!”. Get this straight. He is just trying to reject you in the nicest way possible. It’s YOU! Do you seriously believe that he thinks that HE IS THE PROBLEM? Get a grip! He’s just not that into you!

6. Whenever you meet him, it’s always at a club getting drunk or at a hotel (insert any other locations) to have sex.

7. He never brings you to meet his parents or family members. Bringing a girl to meet his family members signify his intention about being serious in the relationship. So if you have known him for six months and he makes no mention of bringing you to meet his parents, you can be sure he’s just not that serious about you.

8. He prefers to meet up with his buddies to watch soccer and get drunk than go out with you. Yes, he’ll tell you that he needs his space and his guy outings. But if it happens every weekend, then he’s definitely more serious about his buddies than you.

9. He doesn’t remember your birthday or any other significant anniversaries. Most likely, he’ll give an excuse to say that everyday with you is like a valentine’s day or a birthday. Do you honestly buy that crap? If he can’t even remember your birthday, do you really think he’s serious about you?

10. When he tells you that “He’s not the marrying type.” or “I am not really into long term relationship.” For once, trust him. He REALLY means what he says.

You might also want to read Cheating in Relationships.

I used to party regularly with this guy who was a splitting image of Taiwanese Rocker Wu Bai. In fact, whenever we went out to party, everyone would actually call him Wu Bai. I don’t even know his real name but I’m pretty sure it won’t sound as cool as Wu Bai though. I can’t imagine someone calling him “LIM AH FOOK!” or some other shitty Beng name like that.

Wu Bai, Taiwanese Rocker


Anyway, the main point of my story is not about him. We used to hang out at this club called Baby Face. This club was frequented by many karaoke hostess and mamasans because it was opened till 6 am. So these ladies would actually go to the club to party after work. And Wu Bai being the rock star that he is, knows a lot of these hostesses and mamasans.

There was once he introduced me to this mamasan with humongous breasts. She is a little on the fleshy side but her boobs are pretty legendary. I have to say they are the biggest that I have ever seen on a woman. And I have seen quite a few pairs in my time.

Not the real person. But size is just about right.

Anyway this mamasan was working at Boss KTV. You can read about the funny KTV incident which took place @ Boss KTV. After many glasses of Martell on rocks. she was dancing seductively in front of me. I could tell she was quite into me or maybe she just wanted to have some fun with a guy outside her sleazy working environment.  We drank a lot. I think between the two of us, we finished a bottle of Martell.

We left the club when it was almost close to 5am. She didn’t want to go back and suggested we head to my place to drink some more. How could I possibly reject such an invitation?

After we reached my place, I brought out another bottle of Vodka and we started to drink. Very soon, we were kissing and groping. She took off her clothes and I was pretty shocked to see her ample bosoms. I can safely say this is the first time I literally stared at a woman’s boobs. It probably sounds pretty pervertish but I was simply appreciating the beauty of a legend.

She pretended to be shy when she noticed that I was staring at her breasts. She poured herself another drink and we played five ten. And yes, she was basically half naked and I as trying my best not to stare anymore. After a few more shots of Vodka, I could tell she was slurring and getting really drunk. I told her to stop drinking and she promptly fell asleep on my sofa. No action, I thought to myself. I covered her with a blanket and went to check my email.

After about ten minutes, I suddenly heard her waking up. I turned around and guess what I saw!

She actually walked over to my main door, pulled down her skirt and panties and pee right there in my living room. I stood there absolutely flabbergasted and horrified. Her eyes were still half close so I assumed she was in some kind of semi-drunken stupor. I think I shouted “OOI” or something to that extend but she wasn’t listening. I could see the yellow liquid slowly flooding my living room floor and moving towards my shoes.

Funny peeing woman

What's wrong with these women???

I darted quickly to retrieve my shoes before her yellow pee stained them. After she was done, she pulled up her panties and went back to sleep on my sofa! I stared at the pool of pee on the floor in utter disbelief. A freaking big boob mamasan just peed on my floor!

I had little choice but to wipe up the pee from the floor. And I can’t remember how come I didn’t use the mop. I think the mop was broken and I literally had to use some cloth to wipe up the urine. Freaking disgusting! That was the one and only time I actually mopped someone’s pee.

The next day she woke, I told her about the incident and she insisted I was lying! I should have bloody took a video of it but I was in too much shock to have such quick thinking. We kind of lost contact after that peeing incident but I saw her recently at the airport. She was pushing a stroller with her baby inside. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I saw her.

Thanks for the memories Miss Big Boobs Mamasan.

Back in my schooldays, Internet was not so prevalent and pornography was a treasured and rare commodity. I still remember the first time I was introduced to porno. It was at a friend’s house after school. We were playing Super Mario on Nintendo when all of a sudden my friend Nick blurted out,” Eh you guys want to watch porn or not?”

Being young, curious and full of horny hormones, my friends and I instinctively nodded with wide eye anticipation. Nick told us he found many tapes hidden in one of his father’s drawers (Yes, this was the age of VHS. No DVDs. No You Tube). He proudly pulled out one of them with some weird title like “Debbie Does the Football Team.”

Funny porn incident

While we were watching the porno, I was of course intrigued by the naked bouncing boobs staring at me. But I was even more puzzled that Nick’s father actually watched such kinds of videos. You see, Nick’s father was a high ranking military officer and we were all terribly afraid of him. He was tall, very serious looking and had a deep voice that reminded me of Darth Vader. He also had a thick moustache that seemed to twitch whenever he was angry or unhappy. There was one time when one of my classmates broke a glass in front of him and he shouted so loud my ears rang non stop for five minutes. That was when I noticed his moustache twitching in a strange way.

From that day onwards, we were always on our best behavior whenever he was around. After watching Debbie ‘do’ half the soccer team, I suddenly heard the sound of gate closing. I was so engrossed that I didn’t hear Nick’s father’s car coming into the driveway. I looked out of the window and he was already walking towards the front door. I quickly turned around and all my friends have disappeared! They had all rushed upstairs to Nick’s room without telling me! Or maybe they did and I was too engrossed in the porn!

Instinctively, I reached over for the TV remote and hit the off button. The TV screen went off just as Nick’s father stepped into the house. I greeted him and he nodded and grunted in acknowledgment. I started heading to the stairs to walk up to Nick’s room. I noticed Nick’s father reaching for the TV remote. I let off a gasp and froze. Oh my God …. It was too late. Nick’s father switched on the TV and saw Debbie’s look of ecstacy as the football captain bonked her from behind.

I bulleted up the flight of stairs and into Nick’s room. They were all huddled together on the floor. Nick’s face was especially pale. I told them what happened and Nick almost cried. We were half expecting Nick’s father to storm into the room and whipped us all with his leather belt. We waited anxiously. One hour. Two hours. Time flew by and there was no sign of him. Finally, we left and went home.

Apparently, Nick’s father didn’t even mention about the porno incident. Perhaps he felt guilty about it? Embarrassed perhaps? Nick told me that after that day, he couldn’t find any of those tapes in the drawer anymore.

Is watching pornography really such a shameful thing? If you ask me, I would rather a man satisfy himself in front of a computer than to go out and satisfy his needs with a prostitute or risk getting infectious diseases with a one night stand. Speaking of porno, do you know that Sylvestor Stallone actually made a porno in the 70s according to this report. Am I the only one feeling disgusted?