Archive for October, 2010


Today is the school PE lesson. I don’t really like the school PE lesson cause I believe Mr Tan is a bit of a sadist and he enjoys making the boys carry the super thick mattress and running around the bloody tracks. I have been asking my mother to write in to complain about this but she sees nothing wrong with running around carrying mattresses.

“It’s much worse in the army! Toughen up will ya?”

Ya like she has been to the army! Great advice from someone whose only form of exercise is playing mahjong!

Anyway, the only saving grace about PE is that I get to see Karen Chin in her super short shorts. She had killer legs and just about everyone in class has a crush on her. Even the class nerd Ah Ti admitted that he carried a torch for her. Forget it Ah Ti! She’s mine!

Today I formulated a plan to impress her. Before we start our mattress carrying exercise, Mr Tan always make us do some warm up exercises on the tracks. My plan was to do sit ups on the tracks and have Adrian count out real loud a very high number when Karen Chin walk past.

So there I was in the afternoon sun with Adrian holding onto my legs. I tried to conserve energy first so that when she walk past, I would be like superhuman fast. Then from the corner of my eye, I noticed her approching. I gave Adrian the signal and he giggled like a girl. Seriously Adrian, I love you but you got to stop laughing like a bloody girl!

As I saw Karen within a few meters from me, I started to do my sit ups at an amazing speed.

Then Adrian screamed at the top of his voice “Five hundred and seventy three! Five hundred and seventy four! Five hundred and seventy five!”

That stupid idiot! I didn’t ask him to count so high! I said one hundred! Anyway because he shouted so loud, Karen Chin looked over in my direction and smiled. That was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I froze and I wanted to smile back but my mouth kind of opened in an O shape and I froze.

At the moment, her friend Shabnam (nicknamed Uganda Giant) whispered something in her ear and they laughed. I was sure she was saying something about me because Shabnam continued to look in my direction while giggling!

I didn’t know how to react so I just continued with my sit-ups which Adrian continued to count up at a ridiculous number. I signalled for him to stop but he got the wrong idea and counted at an even higher number. The girls continued to laugh and walk away before I gave Adrian a piece of my mind.

After PE, we went to the canteen to get a drink and Adrian asked me to go to his house to play MAFIA WARS after school. I was still angry with him so I told him I had something important to attend to.

When will I get to speak with my princess????

Singtel…..

Posted: October 15, 2010 in Life
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internet been down for the past couple of days. My internet has had problems for the last couple of months. From freezing, to on-off and now total disconnection.

Long story short … the technician came to check the line and it’s due to the line outside which is probably too ancient.

A truly funny video

Posted: October 6, 2010 in humour
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My Name is Sum Tim Wong

Now first things first! I have just about had enough of people laughing at my name. I mean, I am not just talking about those childish classmates of mine. Today, even our principal Mr Sivalingam guffawed aloud like a hyena (although I have never heard a hyena guffaw but our form teacher Miss Sng seems to love this phrase and basically forces us to memorize it for our compo) when he heard my name being called through the PA system.

Now I have my mother to thank for promoting me to some legendary nerd status in school. She refused to let me bring a handphone to school simply because the school had rules against using it in class. Oh come on! Everyone’s using it! Even the class nerd Ah Ti! He secretly uses it to play the stupid Farmville during Maths Lesson. Not that Mr Sum the snake king would mind.

Anyway, back to my story.

So my very cute mother chooses to call me in school during recess time. The school clerk Mrs Wong Ah Li must have had a whale of a time screaming into the PA system. “Sum Tim Wong! Paging for Sum Tim Wong! Please come to the office. Your mother is calling for you! Maybe got something wrong!” I could hear her sniggering after the comments. Note to self: I will make sure I make ten prank phone calls to school during holidays!

At that time, I was sitting in the canteen and our principal Mr Sivalingam was sitting just two tables in front of me. He was in the midst of devouring the mee rebus when the announcement was made. I swear he laughed so hard that one of the mee rebus noodles was snorted out through his nose. Of course no one noticed because everyone was laughing at the bloody announcement, i.e. my name!

Obviously I didn’t get up from my seat. I tried to act normal by whistling a tune but my stupid friend Adrian kept nudging me to get up. I feel like emptying the glass of fruit juice over his oversized pimpled face!

I waited a good one and a half minute before I got up and pretended to go to the toilet. At that moment Mrs Wong’s voice boomed through the PA system again. “Sum Tim Wong! Please come to the office immediately. Your mother is waiting. Sum Tim Wong! Is there something wrong?”

I am not even kidding! The nerve! How dare she. I swear I will give her a peice of my mind when I reach the office. I even thought of the exact words I was going to say to her when I was walking along the corridor to the office.

When I reached the office, all the clerks’ eyes were zoomed in on me. Then Mrs Wong started laughing. I finally understood what Miss Ng means when she said “guffaw like a hyena”. She resembled a big, fat ugly hyena and her maggi mee hair kept jerking back and forth as she continued to guffaw for a good ten seconds.

“your phone!” she managed to say those words in between her hysterical laughter.

I took the phone and mumbled “Thank you.” I am so disappointed with myself. What happened to all those swear words that I had prepared for her on the way to the office. “THANK YOU!” I can’t believe myself. I am such a wimp!

And guess what my mother had to tell me.

“boy ah! Where you put Pe Pe’s toy ah?”

I froze. She called me during recess time just to ask me where is my dog’s toy? I had a string of vulgarities floating through my mind but I could only manage a weak “In the top drawer in my cupboard.”

“Oh Ok! She going crazy! Always trying to bite my leg!”

Why am I not surprise? I hung up the phone and bolted back to class. Everyone started singing this song when I entered the class.

“Sum Tim Wong. Sum Tim Wong.” I don’t know the rest of the lyrics but it went along the tune of Edelwiss. Dennis Leu was the one who invented the song and he was standing in front of the class, pretending to be some conductor in a classical musical.

I hated his guts.

The worst thing was that Karen Chin, the love of my life, was singing along and laughing together with the rest of the class! I wish I could bury my head in the ground like an ostrich.

Seriously, what kind of parents would give their son such a name???? I hate them!


It is a very strange feeling when you are not high on drugs and you are observing people around you who are. Other than the strange head-bobbing and excessive friendliness, I also noticed those strange eye contact and slight nods, almost as if they are signaling to each other “I’m in heaven now. This is fantastical.”

I got a bit bored and wanted to leave. Yuli, who was obviously very high, suggested going to another club that was smaller and more intimate. It was close to 4 am and I was getting extremely tired and wasn’t that keen. But the two girls grabbed my hand, flagged down a taxi and in a matter of moments, we were at the entrance of the club.

Now, the series of events that followed was entirely a blur to me. I remembered going into the club. I remembered the overpowering smell of ecstacy in the air. I remembered the club was so dark that I had to hold on to Yuli’s hand like a blind man.

By now, I was so tired that I didn’t resist her popping something into my mouth. In a matter of moments, I felt energized. All the tiredness disappeared and I was even enjoying the music.

“On and on and on and on tonight” Goes the lyrics of the super trance hit Shadow. By the way, ‘on’ to Indonesians basically means high on drugs. No wonder this song is so popular in the clubs.

The next few hours alternated between affectionate hugging between myself and the two girls, especially Yuli, and my own indulgence in my own world of hallucination and fantasy. Time was a non factor. It was almost as if time was frozen in eternity. All you need was a bottle of mineral water.

Finally, when the high started to drop, I glanced at my watch and to my utter amazement, it was afternoon 2 pm! That was absolutely unbelievable. I just spent 8 hours in this dingy looking club! I was shocked.

I whispered to Yuli I wanted to go. yuli nodded but her friend was super reluctant. She suggested that we should party till Monday! (it was a Saturday night by the way). I politely declined giving the excuse that I had to change my clothes and shower. She suggested that we should all head to her house, shower, rest a while and come back to the club again.

Fuck! So this is the lifestyle of the club girls in Jakarta?

Before I could decline, they ushered me out of the place. I could barely feel my legs. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so weak. It was probably after the night march in army. I couldn’t walk properly and had to hang on to Yuli like she was my walking stick.

I was contemplating if I should go back with these girls, the chance of a threesome beginning to beckon.

Then I stepped out of the club. My eyes were stung by the bright afternoon sun. Now I know why everyone wears sunglasses to these clubs. I looked over at Yuli and got a shock! ‘Is this the same girl that was with me the whole time in the club?’ I could barely recognize her.

Sweat had completely erased her make up and she resembled a super pale pontianak. the worse thing was that we had to take a lift downstairs and it was a pretty crowded lift. so basically, I was staring at her face at the proximity of 1 centimeter. To say it’s not a pretty sight would be an understatement.

When I stepped out of the lift, I puked and gave some excuses that I was terribly sick and needed to head back to my hotel. Yuli suggested that she accompanied me back to the hotel but I declined and told them to continue enjoying themselves in the club.

With that, I hoped into a taxi and waved goodbye to them, heaving a huge sigh of relief. The taxi driver grinned at me. I smiled weakly. “Cewek cantik ya pak!” (Beautiful women eh sir). What an ironic end to a night. or should i say midday.

Cheers.


I have a dog that I love very much. Without fail, every single day, when I return home from work, she would be waiting for me, eyes wide, tail wagging, seemingly in ecstacy.

If only human beings could learn to love like a dog. No  matter how ugly, fat, poor, sick or down you are, the dog will love you just the way you are.

cheers.

The Stadium

Posted: October 3, 2010 in Life
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If you have been to Jakarta to party, you would probably have heard of the club Stadium. The amazing thing about the club is that it is almost like a legalized drug haven. It is an entertainment complex that is so huge that it puts St James Power Station to shame.

Prostitutes, drug peddlers and drug takers litter the entire complex. In fact, I would say that the number of people who don’t take drugs in the club is less than ten percent. This is Jakarta’s open secret, and it makes the government’s supposed fight against drugs almost laughable.

So Yuli and her friend brought me to the club. The entrance to the club is lined with seedy looking pimps, prostitutes, and dealers. The moment I enter the disco, a pungent smell of ecstacy filled the air. I don’t think I can ever forget this smell. It’s indescribable and surreal.

We settled onto one of the tables and the first thing that I observed was that all the tables were filled with only mineral water bottle. No Henessy. No McCallen. No Johnny Walker. It didn’t take a genius to realize that everyone was probably on drugs. Women and men were dancing and shaking their heads in almost rhythmic synchronization which I personally felt extremely amusing.

Very quickly, Yuli was seen whispering into one of the waiter’s ears. It seemed pretty obvious to me she was ordering something for our consumption. I looked around me and saw many people dancing in their own world, seemingly in nirvana. Some are wearing sunglasses, apparently cause your eyes are extremely sensitive to light when you are high.

One guy near to Yuli’s friend keeps smiling at her. In a matter of moments, he whipped out a tablet from inside his pocket and offered her one. She popped it into her mouth with no hesitation and flash her charming smile at the man. Oh such faith! I can’t believe she just popped a pill into her mouth like it was some Ricola candy. Didn’t your mother tell you not to accept gifts from strangers?

Obviously it was the last thing on the mind of a Jakarta club girl waiting to get high in a club like Stadium.